Dispatches from a battleground state:
– I sip my Canadian coffee and eat a maple donut and think, “this might not be so bad.”
– I miss the old days, when the Olentangy river used to catch fire. Maybe I’ll get to see them again.
– Someone on the phone asks me who I’m voting for and I answer in Klingon. I’ve either said “Your mother’s a targ” or “ahead warp factor one.”
– We’re the state that elected Jim Trafficant. You sure you want us picking the president?
– No matter who wins in January, our defensive coach is probably out of a job.
– A recent NPR news story says that for every hour spent sitting, your lifespan is shortened by as much as 22 minutes. That means not only did I lose 4.5 hours of my time to the debates, but an hour and a half of my life.
– We eat buckeyes here, but they’re made of chocolate and peanut butter. The real ones will kill you.
– You may be targeting white males with ads during our Buckeye game, but I’m gonna get a beer.
– Our secretary of state fought in-person early voting. He lost.
– We hope both of you pick up after yourselves after rallying so hearty these last couple of weeks.
– O-H
Have a good day America.
[BTW] : Ben Trube, Writer 