Tag Archives: Buckeyes

It’s Morning In Ohio

Dispatches from a battleground state:

– I sip my Canadian coffee and eat a maple donut and think, “this might not be so bad.”

– I miss the old days, when the Olentangy river used to catch fire. Maybe I’ll get to see them again.

– Someone on the phone asks me who I’m voting for and I answer in Klingon. I’ve either said “Your mother’s a targ” or “ahead warp factor one.”

– We’re the state that elected Jim Trafficant. You sure you want us picking the president?

– No matter who wins in January, our defensive coach is probably out of a job.

– A recent NPR news story says that for every hour spent sitting, your lifespan is shortened by as much as 22 minutes. That means not only did I lose 4.5 hours of my time to the debates, but an hour and a half of my life.

– We eat buckeyes here, but they’re made of chocolate and peanut butter. The real ones will kill you.

– You may be targeting white males with ads during our Buckeye game, but I’m gonna get a beer.

– Our secretary of state fought in-person early voting. He lost.

– We hope both of you pick up after yourselves after rallying so hearty these last couple of weeks.

– O-H

Have a good day America.

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